Men if you’re going to cheat please be smart enough not to get caught, how in the world would you take your Clande to the same spot you take you girlfriend? How dumb can you be?
Last week was full of break ups as I think men are on a get single roller coaster. Okay, let me rephrase that. These boys as I don’t think a pair between the legs guarantees the title man.
It all started with Essy who is still drinking through her heartbreak by the way. So on Wednesday we decide to do karaoke at our local, (yes our local has karaoke) but we decide to eat before we start drinking. We order some "kuku" and immediately start discussing Essy's love life. She is in love with this big time loser, a matatu driver who believes the world revolves around him
The way this guy treats Essy like shit and gets to walk away with it always baffles me. I don’t want to even get into the nitty gritties as they’ll just drain me and I try never to insult him as Essy is my friend but I can't understand how she puts up with that kind of crap.
Apparently this guy gave her an ultimatum to have sex with him or seek to lose his number if not him. I think I need a strong drink for this one. What in the hell? By the way they don’t have sex as Essy believes in sex only after marriage; a lot of bullcrap if you ask me but then again we live a democracy; liberties have to apply. Now Essy is thoroughly depressed and she doesn’t know what to do; she’s contemplating giving it up as she can’t leave without this bimbo. I try to talk some sense in to her but then I realize I’m wasting my time so I call Brandy to try and see if she can scream some sense in to this demented woman.
Personally I have a rule that no matter how good you look or how much money you make or even how big your cojones are, it’s my body so if you’re going to have it, it has to be my way. What I love most about brandy is that she can be able to express those feelings that are always bubbling under. She comes breathing fire and Essy has a lot to thank the delicious chicken drum sticks that Brandy kept stuffing in her mouth. She was definitely going to get a piece of her mind, the biggest piece just to be specific.
After that delicious meal, we are ready to take the madness upstairs to the bar where the Dj is spinning some sick dancehall; I feel like wiggling my big butt a little bit. We have our usual spot which the waiter always avails; I have a feeling he’ll one day ask for a foursome for the favour he always been according us. We all slide into the fine leather, our luscious thighs showing; I could have sworn the waiters eyes were about to pop out and order a bottle of whiskey. It was well deserved considering all the trivial matters we were about to discuss. And a bashing we give alright with words flowing left right and centre. It’s funny how girls give all manner of advice which they themselves don’t follow. Like look at me, telling her to do this and that and I couldn’t even manage to keep my hubby with all the spreading of legs I’m accustomed to.
We are shouting and screaming that we miss the topic of question; Essy’s loser boyfriend walk in with another woman and with utter disrespect sits at the table right behind us. I wouldn’t have even spotted them if it wasn’t the horrific weave the “kagirl” was rocking. I call her a kagirl because she looked like a walking matchstick.
I’m not one to hate on women but everything about this woman looked wrong in all levels. I alert the girls and they all stand amazed, not believing their eyes. Essy on the other hand looks more hurt that flabbergasted and the next thing she wants to do is walk up to the guy and question him. Since I’m the reasonable one, I ask her to be composed and not let the idiot have the satisfaction. Plus I also wanted to give him a chance; you know maybe it’s a relative or something.
I mean he wouldn’t be that stupid as to bring a girl in the same waterhole he frequents with the girlfriend right? As this thoughts are running through m mind, I start noticing that Essy is losing it and truth be told she is. She bursts into tears which leaves all of us in confusion. “How can he do this to me?” she asks. I think I might need more whiskey so I order us another bottle, how did this one get finished anyway? Fighting is definitely out of the question but I guess only for me, Brandy the mastermind is already contemplating where to use our handbags or the finished bottle of Jameson on our table.
I know I'm a G and all but I have no option but to support these two women who already look like lunatics. Apparently Brandy is to handle the driver; she’s a female version of Jean cena anyway as Essy and I go kuku on the woman. It sounds kind of fun though, fighting for a man I barely even know. Maybe his D is the size of my toe? Now as we are busy discussing our plan, the dude walks to our table, says hi as if nothing is going on and requests if he can speak to Essy. Now doesn’t he have the nerve? I feel like spitting on his face, his handsome face. Aheem, excuse me that was not supposed to come out but then I desist. For what anyway, because Essy was already on her feet ready to follow him to whatever; this guy’s game in the sack must be really good.
They step aside and engage in what seems to be a very intimate conversation, for a moment I see is hand rub her buttocks and she giggles like she enjoys it. What in the world? You mean that’s all it took considering we were just about to commit murder for this bitch, ooops! This girl.
She comes back and I can't believe my ears. Apparently the ugly duckling is the cousin and he brought her here to keep himself from thinking about her. “Very sweet, right?” she states. Seriously Essy Jesus, I hope this guy is Messi in bed because I have no other explanation why she would stomach all this. The guy was touching and rubbing her thighs as we watched. Brandy is even too pissed as this girl is tripping. I try to talk to her but she’s hearing none of it. By now the guy has returned back to his table, he’s caressing ugly ducklings breasts as we speak.
I think we need another bottle. Ooh shit I’m already drunk and this is barely halfway anyway. Plus we need to question ugly duckling who is making her way to the ladies; look at her strutting those bones. We almost make a rush after her but Essy stops us midway, something about respecting her in laws or something. This is clearly not happening? Who poisoned her mind? Why I’m I even friends with such a dumb person? Now I need a cigarette and actually I’m actually going to smoke one. So the balcony I’m heading only to be met with the guy and ugly duckling kissing, how did these two even get to the balcony? I thought she was in the washroom? Thank God I have this ashtray which I happen to hit the guy with. And just when he was about to fight back, the girls were already in line and trust me a lot of commotion happened. How else would we have ended up spending the night in our local police station?
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