The evolution of the campus dating game

The innocent age

This is mostly in the first year of campus. The girls are at their most naïve, of course, in spite of themselves thinking very wise. They have all kinds of set values and high standards. He must be smart, well dressed, kind, polite, a Christian (and preferably of the same denomination), hard worker, non-drinker, non-smoker, this list could go on and on.

The older guys know this, and they will be at their most charming, polite and well-behaved, and before you know it, the fresher ‘ameingia box’, loosely translated to ‘entrapped.’ So she will believe his stories of evangelistic weekends (hence why he can’t be with her over the weekends), but will religiously (literally) attend the mid-week C.U services with her.

She will agree to visit his room for movies, and he will not make his move that first time if he’s any good. He will buy Alvaro for her, or perhaps offer a cup of coffee. Sooner or later, the little touches will begin, and before you know it, thoughts of the Bible are thrown out of the window. The next thing she knows, he is not picking her calls, and his creepy roommate is the only one she’ll find when she goes to his room. So much for the prince charming she had imagined graduating from campus with.

The Awakening

In the second year, it’s hard to pin a girl down because she just wants to have fun. She has been through the disappointment of seeing her heart torn into pieces and her favourite song will be Avril’s Happy Ending.
She will not be contented with a cheap Alvaro in the room, but wants to be taken out for the rave. If I was a guy, I’d avoid the second year, unless you also just want to have fun and your pockets are deep enough. Campus girls have a phobia for paying their entertainment bills.

sophisticated sophomore

The Maturity

Third year is when relationships mature, if they were ever there in the first place. There are some guys who have been couples since first year, and by this time they almost do everything together, worse if they are classmates. They are just short of dressing in matching outfits. In fact, they do wear similar colours sometimes, and they begin to look alike. Like brother and sister. Or distant cousins.

the sassy junior

The single girls in third year begin to ‘import’. Meaning they start relationships with guys in other campuses, but preferably, working class guys in shiny cars. The third year guys realize they cannot compete and well, they start hunting freshas.

Third year may date any guy with a car

The Conclusion

In the final years of campus (fourth, fifth, even sixth), it’s easy to tell who may marry whom, because they introduce each other to their respective families during graduation. Some go ahead and get pregnant, leaving campus with a degree, husband and kid.

Graduating couple: she's probably pregnant

The single guys will be desperate, wondering how time flew by and if you get into a relationship with someone in these years, they would like something serious.

The single girls may turn to dating younger guys for the sake of it, or maybe to boost their ego. They will also be desperately looking for older, working and financially stable guys. Okay, scratch that. They be looking for financially stable guys of any description, especially if they have no prospect of jobs when they graduate.

Senior chick with freshman

A Complete Guide to Kenyan Women

I got this from FB. You’re going to love it!

So the original author of this article is @TheBahati, whom I want to thank for letting me keep this post up.

Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Kenyan men soon

Foolproof guide to Kenyan women. Enjoy…!?

1) Alice the Alcoholic.

Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted,got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky ( this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.

2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.
At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this counrty, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘ bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Kenyan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

3) Cathy the Cougar
She may be a jeisty Karen wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Nyeri, but increasingly Kenya’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You arent allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your fecking A$ chap chap.

Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her.

Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.

4) Dorothy the Divorcee

Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.

5) Emma Evil

Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.

6) Fifi the Freak

She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.

Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.

7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

Every sentence has one of these words. ” church, pastor, bible, salvation,sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, bible in her handbag, who wont meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries annointing oil with her.

Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.

8) Harriet the Hustler
We all know atleast one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, kukus or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to an eigth in rongai. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

Annoying as girlfriends this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.

9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/ early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesnt get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.

We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

10) Jane the Joker
28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didnt finish University, is always doing some wierd short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always bethere to provide.

Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesnt cook, clean or talk to poor people.

11) Kate from Karen

Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request ” coz we just work together, i mean, its not like we are friends friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be german, clothes itallian and she will not show up if the restaurant isnt japanese or turkish. Has never been east of moi avenue. Holidays in Bali while you holiday in Nyali.

Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.

12) Laura Loud-Mouth

Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her.Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.

13) Moody Molly

One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instictively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.

14) Nelly the clingy Nag

She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch, She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying petnames. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.

15) Sally Shagzmodo

‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a somalia summer you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and wierd perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the maitre d if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.

16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect.Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past,she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.

Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol sonewhere in karura forest.

17) Vivian the Virgin

After being in C.U. all thru high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbiden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.

She talks about marriage on the first date.

18) Wendy the Wannabe

Wendy name drops, has fb pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you dont have a car, live in eastlands and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

19) Yasmin

Yasmin is a muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.

Marrying her means changing religions.

20) Zipporah Manzi wa Mtaa

Listens exclusively to genge, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 2k, you can get a dvd of it for 50 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.

You dont know whether to be happy or sad

Embarrassing Visits to the Doctor

How many of you have ever dropped their pants before a doctor? Raise your hand a little higher please? I thought so…. no one has their hand up, but if you are in your twenty-something year, there is high chances you are lying.

Recently, I was faced with a predicament. To go or not to go..to the doctor, that is. To wait for the problem to go away, or to go and confirm it’s not what I hope it’s not. Yaani, I’m even embarrassed to think about it. So I mentally prepared myself for a whole week, like what am I going to say and all.

There are very many types of doctors; but let’s just put them in two categories. Private doctors and public doctors. Private doctors are friendly, patient and all…and the public doctors who don’t give er… who don’t really care to put you at ease. In fact, they go to the extreme to make you utterly uncomfortable, staring at you like, “can you speak up?” (I got a million other patients to see and my colleagues are making a killing in private practice. Plus I need to take a piss, so hurry the hell up and say something.)

You can imagine where university doctors fall.

Since I don’t want to narrate my experience, I’ll narrate my friend’s experience. I swear it wasn’t me.

So she took a deep breath, and took the short walk to hospital. She found a queue, as always and spent 10 minutes rehearsing what she’ll say when she got in. She was hoping to find a female doctor, but she found a fatherly male doc. She entered, sat down and waited. He asked her name, picked up her file, scanned it and asked, “So what’s the problem?”

“I have a boil in the inner lip of my vagina.”

I’m sure the doctor can tell a rehearsed line. So he said,

“Drop your pants.”

Ha ha. He didn’t actually say that but he did get her out of her pants onto the examination table. The doc probed her and there (of course with gloves) and finally the examination was over.

Just a minor fungus infection. Phew. Now off she went to the Pharmacy to get a long list of prescribed drugs, including lots of amoxyll tablets. You can never go to the university hospital and leave without amoxyll tablets. Whether you have malaria or a headache or a cold.

F

The Chips Funga Phenomenon

Makmende doesn’t chips funga; he eats at the counter.

That was one of my best lines during the Makmende craze. If you are a Kenyan and haven’t heard of chips funga; then you are a gone case. Not the chips funga, but chips funga. Let me try and elaborate.

To chips funga comes from the words: chips takeaway. You know when you go to a fast food, and you don’t want to eat there and then, so you ask for takeaway to go eat at home. In Kiswahile/Sheng, chips funga. So to chips funga means, in simple terms, to take someone home for the night. Quite possibly a stranger, and no, not to give them shelter, but to have ‘hot’ random sex and then walk away.

I know some friends of mine who have been chipoed (chipoed is the past participle of ‘to chips’), and they know that the person taking them home is only interested in the one night stand and that’s it. You only exchange numbers if the sex was good and you want to do a repeat. No emotions are supposed to be involved.

Most people are chipoed at the club. I mean, no one in their right senses will take a stranger home unless their inhibitions are lowered by liberal amounts of alcohol and a twinge of loneliness (I think.) Some chips funga their friends/acquitances, some total strangers they just met. Chipoing a stranger is dangerous business, though have been warned. They could be Onyanchas in the making. (Google him, or click on that link and don’t ask me questions